6 pm. The cruel moment of truth: the display of the results… I was getting very close to the list of scores, afraid that the result would not be the one I wanted. If there was a high score or even a prize, it was good news, all good. If it was below expectations, then it wasn’t bad news; it was a catastrophe.
I started taking part in Romanian and Mathematics Olympiads and competitions in 5th grade, but without high expectations. Over time, that titanic effort paid off. That’s how it happened that in the 6th grade I came first in the county stage and qualified for the national stage of the Romanian language olympiad. It was one of my most beautiful experiences, but also the launch pad for my obsession to be first, since in the 7th grade, things didn’t go the same way. I experienced failure…
On that Saturday, I went to the Olympics thinking that I MUST take first place. The thought that I might not participate in the national stage that year scared me. But that day I was not in the best shape, and the results showed it. When I arrived in front of the lists that evening, I felt overwhelmed. I had a good score, but I wasn’t first, not second, not even third… I saw parents and children around me proud of their result; a teacher who knew me from last year even told me that her students scored higher. I couldn’t bear that shame anymore. I turned away from the lists and started sobbing and my mother tried in vain to calm me down. I was convinced that I didn’t deserve it and it pained me to know that my hard work didn’t pay off.
On Monday I filed an appeal, but nothing changed. That was the worst week of my life. At school, I didn’t talk to anyone, I was shaking and seething with nerves, waiting to disappear from everyone’s sight. Classmates and teachers tried to show their support, but it all went past my ears. Instead, seeing me in that state, a colleague said to me: “You can’t lose, that’s your problem!”. That moment triggered the explosion; I could no longer hide my emotions from the others’ eyes and I ran out of the classroom, straight to the nurse’s office, where I burst into tears, expressing that I didn’t know what was happening to me…
Failure felt like a disease, a poison that prevented me from being happy…
I suffered for days on end with the thought of “my biggest failure”, I was sad for no reason, irritable and impulsive, distancing myself from colleagues and friends. I felt lonely, useless and depressed, and at the same time, I had to stay on top of my math competitions. I was always pale and sad and my whole body ached. No one understood what was going on, my parents didn’t know how to help me feel better.
So I ended up seeing a psychologist, the only remaining alternative, which turned out to be the best. I began to know myself better and to realize that my value was not in that moment of the competition, but in the work I put in every day. I was the one who believed that everything had to be perfect, the one who didn’t accept to be wrong, the one who had expectations.
Moving from negative emotions to a balanced state is a long road, but along the way you get to know yourself
It took me a long time to change my way of thinking and to increase my self-esteem. That’s how I took up sport and started to meet up with old friends again, as my psychologist advised me. The following year, I prepared for the Olympics again, learning to go in with no expectations, to relax when I felt stressed and to enjoy the moment, because true happiness comes from the time spent doing what I love, not from the final achievement. And yes, I managed to qualify for the national stage; and yes, I enjoyed the preparation; and even if the result was not what I wanted and it affected me that day, I learned to move on.
I entered high school with only one expectation: not to be the Mara I was in middle school… Although I am back to being the Mara that everyone has expectations of, they don’t overwhelm me so much anymore, because the most overwhelming expectations are the ones I have. I think I will always be a perfectionist, but I will try to make it a quality. For example, by living with the principle of cherishing every moment to the fullest, I manage to better organize myself and achieve my goals. However, I often fall into the opposite extreme, thinking that I have to do a lot of things in a day and everything has to be perfect.
I still strive to eliminate this harsh word (“must”) from my vocabulary, because I already know where the obsession with success leads. Perfectionism becomes a flaw and can be associated with disorders such as anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) when it is not kept under control. What does that control mean? Well, it involves not setting absurd goals and not focusing on the outcome. It may seem like a nightmare to get a low grade or finish last at the finish line in an athletics race, but failures don’t define us – our value is not diminished by them. The only thing stopping us from moving forward is the fear of failure…
I remember sometimes, on the nights before a competition, dreaming of spiders (I have a huge fear of spiders). At a certain point I realized that that fear was not really about spiders, but about failure: what if I was underperforming?
Perfectionism involves a fear of failure and an obsession with accomplishing all your goals, which is why people with this “flaw” can find stress in any problem, no matter how small, and are often dissatisfied with their activities that fall short of the expected standard. They worry about a lot of little things and worry about being disliked.
| “Healthy” perfectionism | “Unhealthy” perfectionism |
|---|---|
| High targets | Aim for perfection |
| Balanced thinking | Black and white thinking (all or nothing) |
| The joy of progress | The joy of the result |
| Self-confidence and self-tolerance | Low self-esteem and harsh self-criticism |
| Overcoming failures; Encouraged by desire/ambition | Fear of failure; Driven by an obsession not to fail |
| Criticism is a learning opportunity | Criticism is hard to take |
| Failure makes you stronger | Failure brings you down |
Often, in the heat of competition, students fall prey to this “unhealthy” perfectionism, and failure becomes a constant fear of disappointing their family or teachers. I was lucky enough to have their support, and not have the pressure of imposed prizes. The expectations have always been mine, but I know that many are not so lucky. Thus, the Olympiad turns from a challenge of one’s own knowledge and limits into a chase for medals. That’s why students are not always left with values like fair play or ambition, but with a constant desire to win or envy. No one is there for them to teach them to work with each other, to accept the results, and to rejoice in each other’s success.
I believe that schools should prepare capable students mentally as well, so that they don’t cross the fine line between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism.
Tips for a perfectionist:
- It is important to have someone on your journey towards a goal. Even if everything seems to revolve around you at the time, we all need a friend to motivate us and tell us when we need a break.
- Side passions, like sport or art, also help you balance your effort. For me, any tensions or failures seem insignificant after running or writing.
- Moreover, some words are meant to discourage you, and if you pay attention to them, they can bring you down – as in my case. Listen only to people who are happy for your success and ignore those who envy or demoralize you.
- To overcome your fears and frustrations, you need support, so don’t hesitate to accept or ask for help from a loved one or a psychologist if you feel overwhelmed.
Indeed, the Olympiads have a toxic component that affected me during my middle school years, but I cannot deny that they disciplined me and taught me perseverance and dedication. I’ve been through many “catastrophes”, and the one recounted here hit me harder than any other. However, looking back, I realize that this is how I have learned to be more tolerant with myself and with those around me, which has helped me to be more sociable and optimistic. But striking a balance between expectations and reality is part of the lessons that can last a lifetime.
So here are a few things I have learned over the years that may be helpful in the context of a competition (academic or sports)/exam:
- You’re here for your passion, not for the competition.
- You don’t have to take first place; it’s okay if you don’t get the result you want. It’s about the journey, not the destination.
- It’s harder than you thought – don’t panic! Breathe; embrace any challenge, you will learn from it.
- Today is about you and no one else; stop thinking what others will say if you fail.
Think about these things when you’re feeling lost and you’ll realize, at some point, that one day doesn’t define you. I know, failure is scary, but it drives us to progress, to become a better version of ourselves; because we cannot be perfect, but we can be better than we were yesterday.
Resources on perfectionism:
https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233
