It’s well known that the teenage years, when we all ‘blossom’ and try to discover our qualities and who we really are, can come with certain disadvantages. It’s a time when we’re developing both mentally and physically, making certain decisions that seem normal but can end up scarring us for life. This is how I ended up battling eating disorders (ED).
I mention now that the following story may have information that may be sensitive for some people (self-harm, suicidal intentions)!
It is said that many cases of EDs are caused by negative comments from other people regarding one’s body, or perhaps just small comments thought to be insignificant. For me, these things didn’t have much meaning when I was 13. That wasn’t what made me want to change the way I look, not even the memories from the time when I was still training, but a simple advertisement promoting a certain diet that seemed to have miraculous effects. I had no idea that that would be the moment the ‘adventure’ would begin, and the desire to do everything perfectly wasn’t going to help me at all.
Over the course of six months, I thought I was doing the right thing, eating less or maybe not at all sometimes. I was receiving compliments, so it was clear that I was doing what I should. My mother would sometimes come to me and tell me that if I continued to eat like that, I would end up anorexic. I remember the way I used to answer her – I would laugh with a laugh that was, nevertheless, proud. That meant I would have become very thin, which would have made me happy and fulfilled. I started to distance myself from close friends, to stop going out, to no longer be able to do sports. I went 6 months without a period, and when I finally decided I needed help, I still didn’t know how to make the most of it.
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After a few months, I had become almost half of what I was, yet people still complimented me and almost no one asked if I was okay. I was pale, with dark circles from not sleeping and waking up at 4 AM to study. I was living on two apples a day and still thought it was too much. I didn’t hear what people were saying. I still didn’t see the situation I was in. I cried every night, I trembled if I saw food, but I wouldn’t touch it. Until then, I had only heard of anorexia in phrases like “That girl is anorexic” when someone referred to a very thin girl, who might have been genetically so. I didn’t actually know what it meant to be anorexic, and I think that was a very big problem. Information about eating disorders is very scarce in Romania and they are not discussed enough (a start is our informative article from March). Thus, hundreds, if not thousands, of girls end up suffering from ED, going unnoticed by most people. They are even complimented.
It was Easter Day. I went down to the table and, when I tried to eat half an egg, I couldn’t bring the fork to my mouth. I was trembling. I started to cry. That’s when I decided to start treatment, visits to doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists. Although I started eating “more”, it was still ridiculously little.
Moreover, I never ate food. I always ate “numbers”. The word “calories” ran through my head non-stop, and if I went even a gram over what I intended, I was devastated.
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In one of my sessions with the psychologist, they suggested I also go to a nutritionist, who could help me with what I needed. I actually liked the idea at the time, and my mum and I decided it might help. This was the beginning of another vicious cycle I entered, which led me to bulimia and BED (binge eating disorder or compulsive eating disorder), which consists of consuming a large quantity of food in a short period of time. Unfortunately, I wasn’t immediately recommended a psychiatrist; a rather long period had to pass before my mum suggested we go. After speaking with a psychiatrist, I was recommended a treatment that still helps me enormously today.
All the nutritionists I went to gave me weight loss diets (which were just a very harmful ‘quick fix’ for the body), even though I was diagnosed with anorexia. It’s true that at one point I was asking for them, but I believe that, given what I had been through, they should have helped me in a different way. I ended up gaining weight due to the shock my body went through (not receiving food for so long, it held onto every small source of nourishment). When I went on holidays, I started eating more and more (this was after months of still being afraid to eat) and I always said, “I’ll go home and get back to my menu and lose weight if I need to.” This sentence became a loophole. Thus began compulsive eating.
I ate more and more. Indeed, it was due to the period of extreme hunger, but after a while, I just needed to know I was eating something. I didn’t realise I was sliding to the other side of ED. I was always upset because of my body changes. It was clear I had gained weight and it showed. I felt enormous, even though I hadn’t even reached the ‘healthy weight’ threshold. Binge episodes became more frequent, each with the pretext of “it’s the last time” and “I’ve passed the minimum threshold of ‘normal weight'”. I put these things in quotation marks because I don’t believe the tables on the internet should be trusted.
Slowly, I began to believe that a normal weight is one where the mind and body are in balance and feel good, happy, NOT a weight I was told I had to be because “that’s what it says on the internet.”
Furthermore, as you can clearly see, eating disorders do not depend on a specific body shape or weight. They can appear in anyone, at any time. You don’t have to be under or over a “normal” weight to go through this. Unfortunately, EDs have no preferences and can affect anyone.
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I changed psychologists and, with this change, came the acceptance that I now had a different problem, which needed to be treated differently. In my mind, I was no longer entitled to eat what I wanted, as I had done until then to gain weight. In my mind, I had to do something as quickly as possible to resolve BED. I can’t tell you how many times I thought that if I stopped eating and reached the point where I was at my thinnest, I could then gain weight ‘properly’ and thus get rid of BED. My solutions consisted of diets, which of course I couldn’t stick to and always turned into binge episodes. After a while, I started resorting to compensatory methods (vomiting, excessive exercise) to ensure I didn’t gain weight, which led me to bulimia. However, I managed to control them so they didn’t last more than a week or two.
All these experiences made me want to no longer live. Whenever I made a mistake and had a binge episode, I believed I had to be punished, so I started cutting myself. I thought I would never find a solution to all these problems and didn’t want to continue living with them. There were suicide attempts, but the image of my parents always came to mind. I couldn’t put them through that. All this came from a girl who was very good at school, who hardly ever complained about her problems and was always there when someone needed her. It came from a perfectionist girl, who in the eyes of others was seen as “perfect”. The problem was that I never got to see what they saw. Even when I opened up completely to one of my dearest teachers, her words were, “I can’t believe it… I wouldn’t expect a girl like you to go through this and have these thoughts…”.
I was good at masking everything that was happening to me.
After some time, with the help of my psychologist and enormous support from my parents, I started to think differently. I completely eliminated words like “calories”, “diets” and things related to this subject that brought me to the point of no longer wanting to live from my vocabulary.
I no longer weigh myself; I decided not to let a number control my life and to focus on how I feel, not on the “numbers” on my plate and on the scale.
I started opening up to close people (friends, relatives), who I know won’t judge and who don’t have (or haven’t had) complexes related to their weight (drastic diets, difficulties in accepting their body), and who therefore wouldn’t be affected by my stories in the same way someone sensitive to this topic would be.
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I believe that accepting the problem is very important so that it can be remedied. Very few people know that these disorders can sometimes make us act against our will. For example, whenever I had a binge episode, I wasn’t myself anymore. I felt like I was in my body but watching what was happening as a spectator. I couldn’t control what I picked up and how much I ate. It might sound absurd if you haven’t faced this (which I wouldn’t wish on anyone), but that’s the cruel truth and the unseen part.
I truly believe that all of this has made me who I am now and has made me appreciate people and all body types in an incredible way. Unfortunately, in Romania, stereotypes still prevail and details that truly matter about these disorders (for example, how dangerous they can be) are not brought to people’s attention. That’s why I strongly believe that everyone, regardless of age, needs to be educated on this topic. The risks are enormous and much more serious than believed, and with such disorders, patience is needed. I was lucky that I sought help before reaching the depths of the abyss and that I recovered, and even if I still have to fight, I know I have the necessary support.
I ask everyone to think twice before saying anything related to someone’s body or food in the presence of those affected! Those with these disorders, most of the time, manage to mask it very well, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering; quite the opposite, in fact, and this can be read in their eyes when they are around food. It’s important to try to pay attention to those around us and, if we feel something isn’t right, it’s good to ask and be there for them, even if we don’t exactly understand what they are going through.
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For more details on how eating disorders manifest and are treated, see our factsheet.
