“I’ve reread hundreds of times your messages telling me I was too much. The messages where you made me feel small and unimportant. I agreed with you. In the end, you repeated those awful things about me so many times, I felt like they came true. It took a long time to realize that I had fallen into a trap…and that I didn’t deserve to be your victim.”
The above message reflects a common reality: that although psychological abuse is one of the most subtle forms of violence, often difficult even for the victim to recognize, it has profound consequences for self-esteem and self-perception.
Psychological abuse is also known as “emotional abuse” and is, as the name suggests, the emotional wounding of a person through verbal and non-verbal means, including threats, gaslighting, bullying, ghosting and humiliation. At the interpersonal level, victims end up wondering whether they are to blame for their partner’s abusive behavior, whether they are being “too sensitive” or “overreacting”. These are the very words the abuser uses to maintain control. This phenomenon can be found in any kind of relationship: as a couple, between children and parents, between friends or at work.
Prevalence of this phenomenon
Psychological abuse is a widespread phenomenon in contemporary society, a reality that must be contextualized in relation to the marginal position that mental health occupies in the Romanian education system. Research in the field shows that non-cognitive skills – social-emotional and interpersonal skills – are largely absent from the school curriculum, with the emphasis being placed almost exclusively on the development of cognitive and academic skills. This educational gap leaves entire generations unprepared to manage their emotions and build balanced relationships.
In this poor educational context, combined with the prevalence of dysfunctional family environments, we witness a process of transgenerational transmission of problematic relational patterns. The child growing up in a psychologically abusive environment tends to reproduce these patterns in his or her own interpersonal relationships, thus perpetuating the cycle. In a culture where expressions such as “beating is heaven-sent” continue to be part of the collective mentality, it is not surprising that various forms of abuse are normalized and passed on from one generation to the next.
The statistics provided by the Save the Children Association (2021) are revealing in this respect, indicating that “one in two children is hit in the family”, an alarming figure that confirms the prevalence of abusive behavior in the Romanian family environment. This process of transmitting abusive patterns is facilitated by the deeply malleable nature of the human psyche, especially during the formative period. A child exposed to such behaviours on a daily basis will internalize them as normal and, given the authoritative role of the parents, will end up reproducing them as an adult, considering them as legitimate models of interaction.
Known forms of psychological abuse
Gaslighting and ghosting are widespread in social media. When it comes to ghosting, I think we all know of cases where one of the partners has suddenly stopped communicating and “disappeared”, although in our view, nothing has happened that would lead to this type of behavior. Ghosting in this case can be a type of psychological abuse because the person who resorts to such behavior does not respect the dignity and needs of the partner, does not communicate and disappears from the picture. This is often because the person does not know how to end the relationship and (mistakenly) believes that it is less painful to disappear without confrontation or communication. But the victim may also feel guilt and guilt about not being good enough. So, little by little, through exposure to such behavior, she ends up with low self-esteem, inclined to please others because she would do anything to keep the other person present and not disappear.
In the case of gashlighting, we are talking about psychological abuse by manipulating and controlling the other person. The abuser induces confusion and doubt in the victim’s mind, through accusations and denials to the point of distorting reality, forcing the victim to stop trusting what he or she feels and questioning all his or her thoughts. An example is the case where one partner does not validate the emotions and needs of the other, but on the contrary, minimizes them by lines such as “You exaggerate” or “You are too sensitive”, but also in other forms such as denial “I didn’t say that”, blaming the victim: “It’s your fault”.
Moreover, the abuser isolates the victim from friends and family and leads the victim to believe that those close to him/her are trying to drive him/her away from his/her partner. With the isolation, the victim becomes dependent on the abuser because, as we can guess, there is no one around to be there for her. Of course the abusive partner is only an illusion of protection. In reality, the victim loses her identity and the abuser takes complete control of the victim. That is why it is so hard to get out of such a relationship, because you feel that you are not good enough, that you will never find someone else, that you will be alone for the rest of your life.
But what does it actually mean to be in these two situations: being hurt and causing hurt?
When we talk about the dynamics of psychological abuse, we observe that both parties involved experience suffering, albeit in different ways. In the case of the person who is subjected to the dysfunctional behaviors, we may notice changes in behavior, agitation, suspiciousness, sadness or dissociation – situations in which the person seems mentally absent from conversations or activities. Other signs include avoidance of certain people, places or situations, and constant fear.
There are also more subtle clues that can serve as a red flag: the tendency to make excuses for a partner’s disturbing behavior or insulting words, holding back and remaining silent in their partner ‘s presence, being excessively checked up on, receiving frequent calls to explain where they are, with whom and how they are dressed. All of this is often associated with a deep mistrust of oneself and constant doubts about one’s own perceptions and feelings.
In terms of the person displaying problematic behaviors, it is important to note that they can often be charismatic and can mask the nature of the relationship very well, which may cause the partner to question their own feelings and intuitions. Typical behaviors include controlling through various means such as emotional blackmail or threats. Phrases such as “If you really love me, you will do this for me” can cause confusion, leading the person to believe that they have to accept uncomfortable or painful situations in order to prove or deserve love. Other common behaviors include shifting responsibility (“It’s because of you that I reacted this way”), isolating the partner from those close to them, resorting to verbal violence or name-calling, and an exaggerated sensitivity to criticism.
The dynamic can also manifest itself in parent-child relationships, where love can be conditioned by the child’s behavior. A parent may communicate, directly or indirectly, that he or she loves the child only when the child does not cry and is “good”. This approach may cause a child, who naturally expresses his or her needs through emotions, to become insecure, to feel guilty for what he or she is feeling, and even to repress his or her feelings in order to preserve the parent’s affection.
It is essential to understand that people who exhibit abusive behaviors have often been in a vulnerable position themselves previously. They have frequently experienced problematic relational contexts, and behind their behaviors lies suffering and a deep need for connection that has not been met. This perspective does not justify harmful behaviors, but provides an important context for understanding and addressing the dynamics of psychological abuse.
How can we prevent and manage psychological abuse?
Prevention of psychological abuse fundamentally starts with education. To develop effective protective mechanisms, it is essential to be informed about abusive practices, the hallmarks of problematic dynamics, and the behavioral cues that may signal the presence of abuse. This knowledge enables us to intervene promptly, both in our own relationships and when we observe such dynamics around us.
Parenting and the family are where the first relational patterns are formed. A child learns about relationships, boundaries and communication primarily from the family environment. For this reason, we urgently need emotional education, which includes: healthy methods of raising children, effective communication techniques in couples, the development of self-esteem and mutual validation of emotions and needs. It is human nature to feel emotions, to express them and to seek connection, validation and appreciation from others. When these fundamental needs are constantly invalidated or criticized, we can understand that the person exhibiting this behavior has likely experienced significant emotional deprivation themselves.
The case of the child who is conditionally loved – only when he does not cry – perfectly illustrates the importance of parenting. Parents need to understand their children’s psychological needs and the ways in which they communicate them, especially in the first years of life when the main means of expression are emotions and, inevitably, episodes of anger or frustration. From a neurological perspective, young children do not have developed brain areas responsible for inhibiting emotions. Feelings of shame and guilt are not innate. They are socially learned, especially when the child is told repeatedly that “it is shameful to cry” or “to scream”. In reality, in the first years of life, children need the presence of their parents as much as possible in order to integrate their experiences and to feel loved and appreciated. Unfortunately, today’s society tends to stigmatize vulnerability in both children and adults, promoting a false image of strength that reduces emotional authenticity.
For situations where psychological abuse is already present, intervention involves two main strands: building healthy relationships and seeking specialized support. The first and most difficult step is recognizing the problem. For the person affected, this process can be particularly complicated because of the constant invalidation of their own perceptions and needs, diminished self-esteem and the tendency to take responsibility for the abusive behavior of another. When we identify someone in this situation, our support should include helping them to get out of the toxic environment, reaffirming that they do not bear responsibility for the abuse, and emphasizing that concrete solutions are available. After distancing oneself from the abusive situation, the next steps involve seeking help from mental health professionals, possibly participating in support groups, and gradually rebuilding relationships based on mutual respect and trust, thus allowing the recovery of confidence in oneself and in others.
If you find yourself in a difficult situation and don’t know where to turn for help, here’s a list of resources that could help.
Resources:
HOTLINES
- National Agency for Equal Opportunities for Women and Men – 0800 500 333
- Free 24-hour helpline
- For victims of domestic violence (physical, psychological abuse)
- Free legal and psychological support
- Social assistance in your area
- Protection and mentoring program for 6-12 months, follow-up. In cases of physical abuse, a house/shelter is provided for victims.
- DepreHub – 0374 456 420
- Free 24-hour helpline
- For adults and the elderly, providing support and guidance in managing depression and anxiety
ASSOCIATIONS
- Anais Association – 0736 380 879 – supports victims of domestic violence with free psychological and legal services and is involved in the development of public policies for the benefit of women;
- Solwodi Association – 0756 514 940 940 – promotes women’s and children’s rights, reducing vulnerability to situations of abuse and protecting victims of domestic violence through psychological, legal, social and spiritual measures;
- Compassion and Care Association – 0730 589 030 – assists women and children suffering from domestic violence to protect them, change the abusive situation and reintegrate into society;
- Luthelo Association – 0721 888 704 704 – supports people affected by domestic violence to overcome the crisis by helping them to relocate, identify and cover the costs of housing for a limited period of time, as well as to purchase basic necessities;
- Ioana House – 0213 326 390 – provides services to women and children experiencing domestic violence and homelessness;
- Mental Health for Romania Association – free or reduced psychological services for people affected by domestic or sexual violence on the Specialists Map.
ROMANIAN POLICE
Resources on domestic violence, including information on getting a protection order
