it’s two in the morning.
you’re crying.
why are you crying? you’re fine.
are you though?
your head hurts, your hand itches for your phone, this surely is something serious, you’re dying, there’s rot in your head, in your bones, in your chest.
you’re dying.
you’re dying and no one believes you and you’ve told them.
but no, you’re fine, everyone gets headaches, drink some water, stop crying, it’ll get better.
what if it doesn’t?
what if you’re dying, what if tomorrow you’ll finally faint, they’ll finally find something, they’ll finally believe you and then
then what?
is it really dying that scares you?
it must be, or so they all say
have you tried watching this movie, listening to this podcast, maybe you won’t fear death anymore, you’ll be at peace?
have you tried praying, that will surely help with your fear?
but is it really dying that scares you?
or is it just the thought of being sick? of living your teenage years in a hospital? of suffering in order to maybe still die in the end?
is it death you’re afraid of? or the thought that you were right all along?
is it death? Ultimately, yes.
but everyone is afraid of death, it’s the one fear we learn to accept, and yet not everyone sobs at two in the morning because of a headache
it is death, but they still don’t get it.
you’re not afraid of dying in your sixties, you’re afraid of dying now, of missing out on anything that could happen.
It’s not the idea of dying at one point, it’s talking about college with your parents while feeling like you’ll be dead by then.
is it your eyes?
maybe you’re going blind
see, this wouldn’t lead to dying, so you’re not only scared of dying
you’re scared of anything happening to you that would change your normal life, that would define you as sick
but is all of that happening really?
are you actually sick, is there something actually wrong with your body?
or are you just being a hypochondriac again?
it could be reversed though.
maybe you are dying, maybe there is an ugly illness hiding inside of your brain, of your heart, of your stomach, but will anyone believe you at this point?
you’ve convinced everyone, you’ve convinced yourself, that this is all happening in your head.
because if you tell yourself it’s not true outside of your mind maybe you’ll stop crying and go to sleep, and maybe your headache will pass and you would stop worrying about a brain tumor and focus on the other five deadly diseases your mind has convinced you that you have
because it’s easier to believe that it’s all in your head
but what if it’s not?
what if ultimately you are sick, but even you stopped believing yourself during the day
but it’s two in the morning and everyone is asleep and you’re crying in the dark because your head hurts and what if you die?
you remember the subtle earache you had last week from your earphones, or so you thought
you remember that article about ear pain being a sign of brain tumors
now, you reason with yourself
you’ll tell someone in a very serious manner tomorrow
they’ll have to believe you
they won’t, you’ve done the same when your finger was simply twitching, why would they?
you’ll ask to be taken to the doctors
you probably won’t though
you’re so scared of what could be hiding in your body that even the thought of going to the doctor freezes your mind
it’s two in the morning and you would go and tell someone right then
but you don’t, you’re scared
even though they won’t believe you
‘You’re being a hypochondriac again, go to sleep’
it’s two in the morning and what if your blood pressure is high again?
But no, you had cried in the dark while teaching yourself how to measure your own blood pressure before
It was slightly high
But was it because your heart is messed up or because you had been panicking?
Don’t check your heartbeat
It’s quick because you’re anxious, you’re not dying
Your hand itches for your phone again
Maybe you should count your heart beats per minute
You’re panicked
It’ll be more than 100 beats per minute, it’ll do you no good, you’ll panic more
Maybe you should sleep
You can’t fall asleep while crying though
it’s alright
Breathe in
Breathe out
You’re not dying
Go to sleep
Tomorrow you’ll ignore it again
Maybe tomorrow night you won’t be crying at two in the morning
Maybe.
