14

last time i saw myself in the mirror
i was 14
i looked and i agreed in silence
the next time in front of a mirror
i could hardly see me between
all those ideas of how i should be
the image was fuzzy so i gave up
coming back some time after
in my mind… there was a concept
this concept didn’t match what i saw then
so I simply presumed that somebody else
was in that frame
that somebody was a person with
my soul, my heart, my passions
she laughed, cried, screamed, smiled
at the same time as I did
she went where i went and i could see her
often in the windows or in the water
she looked tired and sad most of the time
but in my mind there was the concept
that stopped me from feeling bad for her
i thought that i must have a pretty face
that i have to be something a mirror would
frame in harmony
as i persuaded with that idea
that person became sadder and sadder
everytime i looked at her she looked at me
i felt like she wanted to ask for something
trying to pay more attention to her
and willing to listen
i found out that she has a lot to say
that she has a strong voice and is a fair human
that she loves the sound of the rain
that she wants to see all the oceans
to live in a house with a big garden
that she creates a new world around her
when she finally had the courage
to ask me to change she said:
„Do you hate so much this skin?
Does this nose not breathe well?
Do my eyes don’t see the sky?
Does my smile appear at the wrong time?”
Tears were on her face
And from where I stood I could see
How a sunshine made them sparkle
In a way only real rivers can
It made me curious so I got closer
And on her skin hills appeared
She looked like a picture from the Reinassance
Like a beautiful, warm and calm landscape
Then I remembered that last day
When I was 14, when I was so happy
To notice that my eyes were the same green
As the old paint on my fence
„Why don’t these coincidences bring me joy anymore?”
The answer was that I stopped looking for them in the first place
That I searched for happiness in wrong places
That I got lost in illussions, in filters
And didn’t look close enough to see
How the reality is like from my own perspective
I always watched through another’s eyes
I looked at her once more
And she looked so different
She looked exactly like someone
I met last time when I was 14