Manipulators. Chaotic. Unstable. Irrational. Hypersensitive. Extreme. Toxic. This is what they call us.
People think we’re unlovable. They’re trying to stay away from us so we don’t destroy them, so we don’t push them out of their comfort zone. Relationships are not for us. They’re for the emotionally stable.
Borderline is a personality disorder.
First of all, you should know that the biggest difference between personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic, antisocial, schizoid, etc.) and mood disorders (such as depression and bipolar,) is that the former manifest in multiple life contexts, often unexpectedly, and affect the quality of life in family, school, career, couple settings, while mood disorders manifest in the face of specific situations, triggers and automatic thoughts. Personality disorders begin to be visible in adolescence; mood disorders can occur at any time in life and manifest periodically. Personality disorders can often only be diagnosed by the age of 18. These are thought to result in a more chaotic life than mood disorders.
In mood disorders, the effects are triggered by certain external or internal factors and last for a certain period of time (e.g. several days). In Borderline, however, the disorder is always there – the moods it gives, the intense feelings, the uncontrollable actions don’t come and go, but can activate at any time of the day, or even several times an hour. Personality disorders can be felt at any time, the symptoms are always present, and for me, not a day goes by without a borderline episode.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental condition that affects the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems in the way you function in everyday life. “Borderline is like a seesaw, and the person suffering from this disorder is almost always on both sides of the seesaw. Up and down; right and wrong; yes and no.”
In short, Borderline means constant war!
I didn’t choose this!
This disorder most often stems from childhood trauma, disorganized attachment to parents and not having our most basic needs met as children. What’s more, we are also born with a genetic predisposition to be hypersensitive, with more intense emotions than ‘normal’ people. Borderline in particular means a heavy dose of invalidation from childhood years, which for many probably sounded something like this: “What have I ever done to you?”, “Stop complaining so much, there’s nothing wrong, you’ll get over it before you get married”, “You won’t die from this”, “Other people have it worse”. All these phrases and many others used by families in Romania affect a child’s psyche, even if we are so used to them that we don’t think they are a big deal. Invalidation is psychological abuse! Yes, abuse.
What it is like to live with BPD every day
Imagine having emotions so intense that they physically disable you. Now imagine, on top of that, feeling ashamed, embarrassed and guilty for having those emotions in the first place. There is a constant battle going on in our heads.
I didn’t want to be born hypersensitive and emotional, I didn’t want to go through all the traumas I went through, I didn’t want to feel all the destructive emotions I felt, I didn’t want to have all the suicide attempts I had, I didn’t want to be hurt by all the people who hurt me and I didn’t want to hurt others in turn. But when it comes to Borderline, my emotions are not in my control! And actions are triggered by emotions, so I can’t even control them, except to a very small degree.
I wake up every morning thinking “What will I get today? Dissociation? Paranoia? Anger? Emotional collapse? Euphoria? Impulsivity? Anxiety? Who knows… But I’ll probably get them all and experience them all in a single hour, as I usually do. Depends on how many triggers* life decides to give me today.”
I’m an advanced case of BPD, which means that the first suicide attempt appeared already in my first year of adolescence, and the symptoms worsened with each year. By the age of 25, the disorder continues to progress. Normally, it is not until the age of 25 that a person with BPD starts to have episodes of grandomania along with positive thoughts (finally). Well, I’ve already been through one, and I’m 20.
Ever since I was a child, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I never knew who I really am, I never found my identity in anything although I tried many things.
Different names? Check. Weird hair colors? Check. Movie characters? Check. Imaginary friends? Check. All kinds of religions? Check. But still, who am I? This is a question that has never left me and has often kept me awake at night. My self-image is always bad. As much as I could hate someone who may have ruined my life, I hate myself the most. For no rational reason. But that’s what trauma and abuse does to you, and that’s what Borderline does.
I have a constant feeling of guilt. I have the ability to cut someone out of my life without really wanting to, but simply because of actions and emotions that I cannot control. I am blinded by a mental fog when dissociation is present. I am in a constant emotional crisis and never feel safe. I am unable to tolerate my own company. And not to mention the psychotic episodes, which, although in my case are not frequent, when they happen they are so vivid, so real, that the next episode I go into is PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) combined with depression, and it lasts for a couple of weeks where I can’t move much, I can barely speak, I’m (slightly) irritable, etc.
Could it get any worse?
Apparently so, because Borderline comes with impulsivity at a high level. Severe anger issues, to extremes. When I get angry, it’s not a process, it is like a flame spreading into a consuming fire. I can be calm, and the next second I can be an exploding bomb. In the case of severe Borderline, the spark does not start the flame, but rather ignites the bomb directly.
That’s why we are stigmatized and called “crazy” and “eccentric”, because we get angry “out of nothing”, out of things that are considered small, all of a sudden, without any warning. And then we calm down just as quickly. It’s a constant change of moods. A toxic and self-destructive vicious cycle. Living day to day is extremely tiring.
Steps towards being functional
The only way to cope with Borderline is through psychotherapy and medication in some cases, and in my case, it would take a minimum of 5 years to reach the stage of a functional adult able to cope with “normal” life, that is with 2 sessions a week, if it weren’t for other mental issues I have to work on.
However, if you’re reading this and you have or think you have borderline, don’t be afraid to seek a psychotherapist. There aren’t many professionals specialised in borderline in the country, and you might feel discouraged.
It is not your fault that you have a mental disorder, but it is your responsibility to try to get better. Go for it! Don’t give up, find the right person. I am grateful to have found someone in Cluj open-minded enough to work with me on other disorders more stigmatized than most. You can do this!
How to support a person with BPD
Watch out for more sensitive topics and special Borderline triggers*.
If someone is irritable or less talkative than usual, we automatically think it’s our fault or that the other person doesn’t care, but most of the time it’s nothing to do with us.
Leave no room for interpretation in communication! We interpret all the events around us. For example, if we miss the bus, we automatically think everything will be a disaster. If our partner says something negative about ourselves, we internalize it and think we are horrible people. If he doesn’t talk to us, we feel abandoned.
Learn all you can about communication around a borderline patient!
Click here for a reliable source (the website is in English).
Anything that makes us feel rejected, criticized or abandoned is an automatic trigger that can lead to a Borderline episode filled with anger, impulsivity, fear, self-harm and even suicidal thoughts or attempts.
WARNING!
Big holidays can be a powerful trigger for Borderline, especially Christmas, because of the happy atmosphere, family, presents, etc. People tell us there’s something wrong with us if we don’t love Christmas or don’t want to go out in the snow. Yes, something is wrong with us: we were traumatized as children by family members and we can’t stand the flashbacks that come with the holidays. Let us be!
Finally, don’t forget that every person, brain, traumatic experience is different, that’s why you need to put a little effort into learning your loved ones’ triggers.
If you’ve been diagnosed with borderline or find yourself in this article, this is for you:
“Borderline is like a curtain over the window of the soul. Your soul is dark, clouded. But it’s not because of you. Never forget what your heart truly yearns for. Never forget who you are, what you are, how deep you are. You find no pleasure in shallowness. You delight in diving into the depths of life. That’s where you belong and it’s so beautiful. Let no one tell you otherwise, not even your troubles.” (de Tough).
Other resources:
Author’s website for destigmatizing mental disorders: https://imultidimensional.wordpress.com
Interview with a psychiatrist on how to identify the major features of borderline personality disorder: https://youtu.be/to5qRLRSS7g
Article about the difference between a personality disorder and a mood disorder: What’s the Difference Between a Personality Disorder and a Mood Disorder? | Promises Behavioral Health
*Trigger = ‘trigger’, an irritant that causes automatic emotional reactions. A stimulus that can cause intense negative experiences, thoughts and feelings in a person.
