{"id":6753,"date":"2021-02-04T17:54:00","date_gmt":"2021-02-04T15:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mentalhealthforromania.org\/obsesia-corpului-perfect-de-la-dieta-la-bulimie\/"},"modified":"2026-09-24T14:21:48","modified_gmt":"2026-09-24T11:21:48","slug":"obsesia-corpului-perfect-de-la-dieta-la-bulimie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mentalhealthforromania.org\/en\/mental-health-stories\/obsesia-corpului-perfect-de-la-dieta-la-bulimie\/","title":{"rendered":"The obsession with the perfect body. From dieting to bulimia."},"content":{"rendered":"\n

TW (trigger warning): <\/strong>eating disorders, purging and extreme caloric restriction behaviours, excessive exercise<\/p>\n\n

In hindsight, I was never a child with weight problems. I started becoming aware of my body in primary school, around 7-8 years old. When puberty kicked in and my breasts started to grow, I really went crazy. By the end of eighth grade, I had the biggest boobs in my class \u2013 a genetic inheritance that I despised all my adolescence. I was trying to hide myself in t-shirts as loose as possible and bras as tight as possible. <\/p>\n\n

I don’t know if there was a mean-spirited comment or a specific event that triggered my obsession with my own body. I know that in 3rd or 4th grade, a classmate told me after seeing the pictures of a field trip that I looked pregnant (I was wearing a tight sweater) and I also remember a family friend who always called me fat \u201cas a joke\u201d when he saw me. <\/p>\n\n

I’m not sure if these things affected me so much that they triggered the desire to be thinner, but at some point I decided that I had to do something to change my appearance, to become smaller. Instead of letting puberty do its job I decided I had to take matters into my own hands. <\/p>\n\n

The first diet I remember I kept just before I turned 14. I had invited the whole class to the party. I had to look my best. So I tried hard to follow the rules of a diet. I lost the few pounds I thought stood between me and happiness, but it didn’t last long. I still remember the moment the last guest left and I threw myself on a box of Merci chocolates. I ate them all, without breathing. I didn’t even want them, but I couldn’t stop. This was probably my first binge eating episode. <\/p>\n\n

Then followed dozens of diets, because none of them helped me in the long run. Every time I would lose control with food and secretly eat all the chocolate in the house<\/strong>. I was ashamed of myself, I didn’t understand why my own body was betraying me like this. <\/p>\n\n

My parents didn’t see anything wrong with my diets, they thought it helped me to be healthier. Then, when the chocolate disappeared from the house, I was occasionally reproached that I was exaggerating or that they wanted a piece too. My mum also went on a diet for a week or two, two or three times a year, usually before a holiday or a more important event \u2013 but I don’t think I ever heard her struggling or complaining about it. And if she craved something, she ate it without any guilt. When I started dieting, she told me I looked okay, but she also encouraged me because she knew that if I had set my mind on something, there was no way she could convince me to stop. And when the yo-yo effect hit me hard and I started gaining more and more weight, she motivated me even more because my emotional breakdowns were also becoming more considerable. She wanted to see me happy. <\/p>\n\n

And for me, happiness always meant being thin.<\/h4>\n\n

In 11th grade, I went to Austria; I was going to study for a semester at an international high school in Linz and live with a host family. I was very excited about the idea, thinking that this semester would bring me opportunities and friends in an international academic environment. I didn’t realise that my introverted nature wouldn’t cope with this departure, that I wasn’t ready. I found myself in a new environment, without my family and friends. I didn’t know how to react, so I started comforting myself with sweets. I secretly ate all the cakes and chocolate in the house. I always bought muffins from the school cafeteria. Somehow, I reached the highest weight I had ever had. I didn’t feel good about myself, I was ashamed to go to school, to sports classes. I missed my family, a real hug, my friends from Romania. I blamed the pounds I had gained. I thought I couldn’t adapt to my new life because I wasn’t thin. So I started dieting again, counting calories, paying attention to what I ate. After that, I would come home and throw myself into huge binges again. The guilt at some point was so great that I needed a way to erase what had happened. So I decided to put my fingers down my throat, thinking that would solve everything. It didn’t become a habit; I did it very rarely because it was uncomfortable, it hurt, and I couldn’t do it when someone else was home for fear of being heard. I felt dirty. I brushed my teeth, but I still had a horrible taste in my mouth. Then I read on a pro-bulimia website that if you brush your teeth immediately after vomiting, the enamel gets destroyed, so I decided to wait about an hour before doing it. I also read how to tell if you’ve vomited everything, which foods are easier to vomit, etc. Yes, unfortunately, such sites exist on the internet. <\/p>\n\n

I was still afraid to stay over the toilet for more than 10 minutes, I thought I would vomit my internal organs because of how much it hurt<\/strong>. I tried not to eat anything afterwards, but the bingeing part was much stronger during that period and often I ended up eating more sweets until the end of the day. <\/p>\n\n

When I returned home for the Christmas holidays, I had a mental breakdown. The thought of not seeing my family again for a few months was unbearable. So I decided to stay in the country, to return to my family and friends. I went on a diet again and returned to the zone I considered okay. Then I gained weight again, just before my 18th birthday. For 10 days I ate nothing solid, I only drank natural juices, made by me or my mum with the juicer in the kitchen. <\/p>\n\n\"Girl\n\n

\u00a9 Andrei Stamate<\/p>\n\n

My mum helped me stick to this diet because she knew I wanted to look good for my birthday and that if I hadn’t succeeded, I would probably have entered a depressive episode. Also, when I started a new diet, including this one, I seemed to have a different energy, I was more optimistic, more confident. Kalsey Miller calls this phenomenon \u201cThe Diet Buzz\u201d \u2013 a short period of time when you’re not really hungry and you can stick to a diet without too much effort. You radiate happiness because you know that this time <\/em>it’s going to be okay and this time <\/em>you’re going to be thinner and happier than ever. <\/p>\n\n

Obviously, until you get hungry.<\/p>\n\n

That’s how it was with my 18th birthday diet. The first few days were bearable, especially since I was consuming about 600-700 liquid calories a day, the results came immediately and I felt it was worth all the effort. Then I became irritable, I couldn’t concentrate at school, I could barely wait to get home to sleep.<\/strong> It annoyed me that I had to go through this. Why am I not <\/em>naturally thin<\/em>?<\/em> Why do I have to <\/em>diet<\/em> my whole life<\/em>? <\/em>After 10 days of beetroot juice, I looked wonderful in my 18th birthday dress. It was a beautiful evening. <\/p>\n\n

Then I gained weight again.<\/p>\n\n

I had reached a point where I was afraid of food, I was disgusted with myself and I didn’t understand what I needed to do to get over this problem once and for all. I weighed myself daily, my entire day being affected by the number on the scale, I scrutinised myself in every mirror and shop window, I compared myself to every woman on the street. <\/p>\n\n

Before going to a restaurant, I would look up the menu online to know in advance which option had the fewest calories. I was as afraid of food with sauce as I was of a low grade in my A-levels. <\/h4>\n\n

Nevertheless, the more I controlled what I ate during the day, the more sweets I ate in the evening. I ate them secretly, with shame. I ate them quickly, without breathing, as if they were the last pieces of chocolate on the planet. I ate as if I were in a trance, and when I woke up I felt too full, bloated, guilty. And I was already planning a new diet to save me. All these negative consequences appeared gradually, but they became more pronounced after the age of 19-20. <\/p>\n\n

The peak of my dieting story happened last year, when I was 23. I had already been living with my boyfriend for almost two years and it was very difficult for me to eat okay <\/em>because he always wanted chips and all sorts of other high-calorie dishes, and I would get frustrated if I had to cook something without being able to eat it afterwards. And I didn’t want to eat salad while he ate burgers or other dishes in front of me that I wasn’t allowed to <\/em>ea<\/em>t<\/em>. I had gained weight, I felt unattractive, so my obsession with losing weight returned to full capacity. <\/p>\n\n

My boyfriend had to leave for about two months for another city due to his job. I took advantage of the opportunity and went on a 1200-calorie-a-day diet (a 4-year-old child needs 1400 calories, for context). I went to the gym daily for high-intensity workouts, after which I did another workout at home. I pushed myself harder than ever, I wanted to reach that weight I had been dreaming of for so long. I printed pictures of girls with flat stomachs and motivational quotes and stuck them on the mirror.<\/strong> I started measuring my arms, breasts, stomach, bum, and thighs with a tape measure. I wrote everything down on the back of a diary. I had gotten into a rhythm, trying to be extra-focused. But then, of course, the fateful binge day came. I didn’t have sweets in the house because I was trying not to buy any, so my binge consisted of almonds and dates. I ate until I felt sick. I panicked instantly; I couldn’t ruin all the work I had done at the gym now. So I went to the bathroom and vomited. That was on a Tuesday. I remember because it became a habit. On Tuesdays, I had a harder workout at the gym and I was very proud of myself for seeing it through. After that, somehow, the binge would come in the evening. Guilt and panic would come, so then came the moment when I put my fingers down my throat. Then I would go to bed and cry because I didn’t understand how it was possible and how I dared to still be hungry after all that. <\/p>\n\n\"Girl\n\n

\u00a9 Andrei Stamate<\/p>\n\n

I had reached the weight I wanted. I had a flat stomach, I had bought a whole new set of clothes because the others were too loose. I was happy. For a week. After that, it wasn’t enough anymore, I wanted to be thinner, to eat even less, to train even more. <\/strong>According to previous experiences, now that I had lost weight, I was going to gain it back. And I had a painful craving for sweets and pastries and fast food and anything else besides chicken breast and salad. I knew the binges were coming and I didn’t know what to do to stop myself. I was scared. I was alone. No matter how much I tried to explain it to someone, I was ashamed to mention the bulimia part. When the next binge came, it wasn’t Tuesday anymore. But despite all that, I quickly ran to the bathroom to redeem my mistake. Then this became my new normal for a while. <\/p>\n\n

When my boyfriend came back, I couldn’t continue doing that, because he was always home when I was, and the house is small and he would have heard me if I went to the bathroom to vomit. So little by little I started gaining weight. Not again. I can’t go through this again <\/em>.<\/p>\n\n

I decided I had to tell someone what I was going through, I couldn’t carry the whole burden by myself anymore.<\/h4>\n\n

So I told him. I deeply regretted the moment, because the reaction wasn’t what I wanted. He somehow turned the whole story towards himself, asking me how my eating disorder would affect him. \u201cSo does this mean we never eat together again? We don’t cook anymore?\u201d I didn’t have the energy to explain to him that all I wanted was for him to tell me it would be okay, that we would be okay.<\/p>\n\n

Although the initial reaction lacked empathy, over time he began to understand my suffering and encouraged me to create projects through which I could help other women who had gone through what I had. This is how Foreign Body<\/a> came about, a photo project about women who have gone through extreme diets and thus, through an estrangement from their own bodies. <\/p>\n\n

In the meantime, I also discovered the concept of intuitive eating, launched in ’95 by nutritionists Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. Intuitive eating reminded me of childhood, of that time when I didn’t divide foods into good and bad, but just ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full, without this having any emotional impact on me.<\/strong> I did a little research on intuitive eating in Romania and was disappointed to observe that the results in Romanian associate this concept with dieting. \u201cIntuitive eating is the new diet trend that will help you lose weight\u201d. No, intuitive eating is not a diet and it doesn’t necessarily help you lose weight. Intuitive eating recalibrates you in such a way that you make peace with food, eat when you’re hungry (not at fixed times, not in predetermined quantities, not in a calculated mix of micro\/macro nutrients) and no longer feel guilty when you eat. <\/p>\n\n

As Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch say, guilt is a feeling you should have if you’ve committed a crime, it has no place in your relationship with food.<\/h4>\n\n

Recently, I created a Facebook group called Body Positivity & Anti-Diet Club, intended for women who are tired of restrictive diets that endanger their physical and mental health. In Romania, there aren’t enough resources that highlight the harmfulness of diet culture<\/em> and its connection to eating disorders. A billion-dollar industry profits from our innocence and the obsessive desire to look like the women in magazines (most of them digitally manipulated in Photoshop). We are force-fed ads and influencers promoting laxative teas, corsets, sweat suits, diet after diet, gummy bears that suppress appetite. <\/strong>We must try to see beyond these promises made by diet culture, <\/em>because most of them are not achievable. 95% of diets fail. This is no longer about \u201cmotivation\u201d and \u201cdiscipline\u201d; you end up fighting against yourself. Of course, when you don’t nourish yourself properly, your body gives you warning signs, you have headaches and fainting spells. Of course, you can’t complete a tough workout when you’ve only eaten one banana all day. Of course, if you drink teas with an ingredient list longer than the packaging, you’ll have stomach problems. <\/p>\n\n

What if we stopped fighting this war? Let go of the idea that we will be better, more beautiful, more desired if we lose \u201cthose 2 kilos around the waist\u201d? Live our lives here and now, not in that future where we will look \u201cbetter\u201d? <\/p>\n\n

There are still days when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, then the idea of going on another diet automatically comes to mind. But I remember that this isn’t the solution, that diets only made me feel worse in the end, and gain more weight. I know I may never love my body, but I know that now I respect it and I would never do anything to endanger it again. And I also know that I don’t have to wait to lose weight to live my life and that I will never again deny myself experiences for fear of being judged for how I look. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n

\u201cWorthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.\u201d \u2013 Brene Brown<\/p>\n\n

.<\/p>\n\n

.<\/p>\n\n

For more details on how eating disorders manifest and are treated, see our factsheet<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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