{"id":6741,"date":"2021-04-24T18:23:00","date_gmt":"2021-04-24T15:23:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mentalhealthforromania.org\/perfectionismul-sau-frica-de-esec-de-la-obsesia-lui-trebuie-la-echilibru\/"},"modified":"2026-09-24T14:15:27","modified_gmt":"2026-09-24T11:15:27","slug":"perfectionismul-sau-frica-de-esec-de-la-obsesia-lui-trebuie-la-echilibru","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mentalhealthforromania.org\/en\/mental-health-stories\/perfectionismul-sau-frica-de-esec-de-la-obsesia-lui-trebuie-la-echilibru\/","title":{"rendered":"Perfectionism or the fear of failure \u2013 from the obsession of ‘must’ to balance"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

6 pm. The cruel moment of truth: the display of the results… I was getting very close to the list of scores, afraid that the result would not be the one I wanted. If there was a high score or even a prize, it was good news, all good. If it was below expectations, then it wasn’t bad news; it was a catastrophe<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n

I started taking part in Romanian and Mathematics Olympiads and competitions in 5th grade, but without high expectations. Over time, that titanic effort paid off. That’s how it happened that in the 6th grade I came first in the county stage and qualified for the national stage of the Romanian language olympiad. It was one of my most beautiful experiences, but also the launch pad for my obsession to be first, since in the 7th grade, things didn’t go the same way. I experienced failure… <\/p>\n\n

On that Saturday, I went to the olympiad with the thought that I MUST take first place. The thought that there was a possibility I wouldn’t participate in the national stage that year terrified me. But that day was not my most inspired, and the results showed it. When I arrived in front of the lists that evening, I felt overwhelmed. I had a good score, but I wasn’t first, not even second, not even third… I saw parents and children around me proud of their results; a teacher who knew me from last year even told me that her students had scored higher. I couldn’t bear that shame anymore. I moved away from the lists and started crying uncontrollably, and my mother tried in vain to calm me down. I was convinced that I didn’t deserve this and it hurt to know that my work hadn’t yielded the expected results. <\/p>\n\n

On Monday, I filed an appeal, but nothing changed. That was the most dreadful week of my life. At school, I didn’t speak to anyone, I was trembling and seething with nerves, waiting to disappear from everyone’s sight. My classmates and teachers tried to show their support, but everything went in one ear and out the other. Instead, seeing me in that state, a classmate told me: “You don’t know how to lose, that’s your problem!”. That moment triggered the explosion; I could no longer hide my emotions from others’ gazes and I left the classroom, running straight to the medical office, where I burst into tears, saying that I didn’t know what was happening to me…<\/p>\n\n

Failure felt like a disease, a poison preventing me from being happy…<\/h4>\n\n

I suffered for days on end thinking about “my biggest failure”, I became sad for no reason, I was irritable and impulsive, distancing myself from classmates and friends. I felt lonely, useless, and depressed, and at the same time, I had to stay ‘on’ for the maths competitions. I was always pale and sad and my whole body ached. Nobody understood what was happening, my parents didn’t know how to help me feel better. <\/p>\n\n\"Girl\n\n

\u00a9 iStock<\/p>\n\n

So I ended up seeing a psychologist, the only alternative left, and it proved to be the best one. I started to get to know myself better and to realise that, in fact, my worth was not defined by that moment of the competition, but by the daily work I put in. I was the one who believed that everything had to be perfect, the one who couldn’t accept making mistakes, the one who had expectations<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n

The transition from negative emotions to balanced standards is a long journey, but along the way, you learn to know yourself<\/h4>\n\n

It took me a long time to change my way of thinking and to build my self-esteem. That’s how I started doing sports and began meeting up with old friends again, as the psychologist advised me. The following year, I prepared for the olympiad again, learning to go without expectations, to relax when I felt stressed, and to enjoy the moment, because true happiness comes from the time spent doing what I love, not from the final success. And yes, I managed to qualify for the national stage; and yes, I enjoyed the preparation; and even if the result wasn’t what I wanted and it affected me that day, I learned to get over it more quickly. <\/p>\n\n

I started high school with one expectation: not to be the person I was in middle school… Although I have become Mara again, the one everyone has expectations of, they no longer overwhelm me as much, because the most pressing expectations are my own. I think I will always remain a perfectionist, but I will try to turn it into a strength. For example, by living with the principle of valuing every moment to the fullest, I manage to organise myself better and achieve my goals. However, I often fall into the opposite extreme, thinking that I must<\/em> do many things in one day and that everything must<\/em> turn out perfectly. <\/p>\n\n

I am still striving to eliminate this harsh word (‘must’) from my vocabulary, because I already know where the obsession with success leads. Perfectionism becomes a flaw and can be associated with disorders such as anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) when it is not kept under control. What does that control mean? Well, it means not setting absurd targets and not focusing on the outcome. It might seem like a nightmare to get a low grade or to finish last in an athletics race, but failures do not define us \u2013 our worth does not decrease because of them. The only thing that stops us from moving forward is the fear of failure<\/em>… <\/p>\n\n\"Woman\n\n

\u00a9 iStock<\/p>\n\n

I remember that sometimes, on the nights before a competition, I dreamt of spiders (I have a huge fear of spiders). At one point I realised that in fact that fear was not directed towards spiders, but towards making mistakes: what if I was below expectations? <\/p>\n\n

Perfectionism involves a fear of failure and the obsession to achieve all<\/em> your goals, which is why people with this ‘flaw’ can find a reason for stress in any problem, no matter how small, and are often dissatisfied with their activities that do not meet the expected standard. They worry about many insignificant things and are troubled by the thought of not pleasing others. <\/p>\n\n

Healthy Perfectionism<\/th>Unhealthy Perfectionism<\/th><\/tr><\/thead>
High targets<\/td>Target of perfection<\/td><\/tr>
Balanced thinking<\/td>Black-and-white thinking (all or nothing)<\/td><\/tr>
Joy of progress<\/td>Joy of the result<\/td><\/tr>
Self-confidence and self-tolerance<\/td>Low self-esteem and harsh self-criticism<\/td><\/tr>
Overcoming failures;Encouraged by desire\/ambition<\/td>Fear of failure;Encouraged by the obsession not to fail<\/td><\/tr>
Criticism is an opportunity for learning<\/td>Criticism is hard to accept<\/td><\/tr>
Failure makes you stronger<\/td>Failure brings you down<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n

Often, in the heat of a competition, students fall into the trap of this ‘unhealthy’ perfectionism, and failure becomes a constant fear of disappointing their family or teachers. I was lucky enough to have their support, not the pressure of imposed prizes. The expectations were always my own, but I know that many do not share my luck. Thus, the olympiad transforms, from a challenge to one’s own knowledge and limits, into a race for medals<\/em>. That is why students do not always leave with values such as fair play or ambition, but with a permanent desire to win or with envy. No one is there for them to teach them to collaborate, to accept their results, and to celebrate each other’s success. <\/p>\n\n

I believe that schools should prepare students capable of performing mentally as well, so that they do not cross the thin line between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism.<\/h4>\n\n

Advice for a perfectionist:<\/p>\n\n