it\u2019s two in the morning.<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019re crying.<\/p>\n\n
why are you crying? you\u2019re fine.<\/p>\n\n
are you though?<\/p>\n\n
your head hurts, your hand itches for your phone, this surely is something serious, you\u2019re dying, there\u2019s rot in your head, in your bones, in your chest.<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019re dying.<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019re dying and no one believes you and you\u2019ve told them.<\/p>\n\n
but no, you\u2019re fine, everyone gets headaches, drink some water, stop crying, it\u2019ll get better.<\/p>\n\n
what if it doesn\u2019t?<\/p>\n\n
what if you\u2019re dying, what if tomorrow you\u2019ll finally faint, they\u2019ll finally find something, they\u2019ll finally believe you and then<\/p>\n\n
then what?<\/p>\n\n
is it really dying that scares you? <\/p>\n\n
it must be, or so they all say<\/p>\n\n
have you tried watching this movie, listening to this podcast, maybe you won\u2019t fear death anymore, you\u2019ll be at peace?<\/p>\n\n
have you tried praying, that will surely help with your fear?<\/p>\n\n
but is it really dying that scares you?<\/p>\n\n
or is it just the thought of being sick? of living your teenage years in a hospital? of suffering in order to maybe still die in the end?<\/p>\n\n
is it death you\u2019re afraid of? or the thought that you were right all along?<\/p>\n\n
is it death? Ultimately, yes.<\/p>\n\n
but everyone is afraid of death, it\u2019s the one fear we learn to accept, and yet not everyone sobs at two in the morning because of a headache<\/p>\n\n
it is death, but they still don\u2019t get it. <\/p>\n\n
you\u2019re not afraid of dying in your sixties, you\u2019re afraid of dying now, of missing out on anything that could happen.<\/p>\n\n
It\u2019s not the idea of dying at one point, it\u2019s talking about college with your parents while feeling like you\u2019ll be dead by then.<\/p>\n\n
is it your eyes?<\/p>\n\n
maybe you\u2019re going blind<\/p>\n\n
see, this wouldn\u2019t lead to dying, so you\u2019re not only scared of dying<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019re scared of anything happening to you that would change your normal life, that would define you as sick<\/p>\n\n
but is all of that happening really?<\/p>\n\n
are you actually sick, is there something actually wrong with your body?<\/p>\n\n
or are you just being a hypochondriac again?<\/p>\n\n
it could be reversed though.<\/p>\n\n
maybe you are dying, maybe there is an ugly illness hiding inside of your brain, of your heart, of your stomach, but will anyone believe you at this point?<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019ve convinced everyone, you\u2019ve convinced yourself, that this is all happening in your head.<\/p>\n\n
because if you tell yourself it\u2019s not true outside of your mind maybe you\u2019ll stop crying and go to sleep, and maybe your headache will pass and you would stop worrying about a brain tumor and focus on the other five deadly diseases your mind has convinced you that you have<\/p>\n\n
because it\u2019s easier to believe that it\u2019s all in your head<\/p>\n\n
but what if it\u2019s not?<\/p>\n\n
what if ultimately you are sick, but even you stopped believing yourself during the day<\/p>\n\n
but it\u2019s two in the morning and everyone is asleep and you\u2019re crying in the dark because your head hurts and what if you die?<\/p>\n\n
you remember the subtle earache you had last week from your earphones, or so you thought<\/p>\n\n
you remember that article about ear pain being a sign of brain tumors<\/p>\n\n
now, you reason with yourself<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019ll tell someone in a very serious manner tomorrow <\/p>\n\n
they\u2019ll have to believe you<\/p>\n\n
they won\u2019t, you\u2019ve done the same when your finger was simply twitching, why would they?<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019ll ask to be taken to the doctors<\/p>\n\n
you probably won\u2019t though<\/p>\n\n
you\u2019re so scared of what could be hiding in your body that even the thought of going to the doctor freezes your mind<\/p>\n\n
it\u2019s two in the morning and you would go and tell someone right then<\/p>\n\n
but you don\u2019t, you\u2019re scared<\/p>\n\n
even though they won\u2019t believe you<\/p>\n\n
\u2018You\u2019re being a hypochondriac again, go to sleep\u2019<\/p>\n\n
it\u2019s two in the morning and what if your blood pressure is high again?<\/p>\n\n
But no, you had cried in the dark while teaching yourself how to measure your own blood pressure before<\/p>\n\n
It was slightly high<\/p>\n\n
But was it because your heart is messed up or because you had been panicking?<\/p>\n\n
Don\u2019t check your heartbeat<\/p>\n\n
It\u2019s quick because you\u2019re anxious, you\u2019re not dying<\/p>\n\n
Your hand itches for your phone again<\/p>\n\n
Maybe you should count your heart beats per minute<\/p>\n\n
You\u2019re panicked<\/p>\n\n
It\u2019ll be more than 100 beats per minute, it\u2019ll do you no good, you\u2019ll panic more<\/p>\n\n
Maybe you should sleep<\/p>\n\n
You can\u2019t fall asleep while crying though<\/p>\n\n
it\u2019s alright<\/p>\n\n
Breathe in<\/p>\n\n
Breathe out<\/p>\n\n
You\u2019re not dying<\/p>\n\n
Go to sleep<\/p>\n\n
Tomorrow you\u2019ll ignore it again<\/p>\n\n
Maybe tomorrow night you won\u2019t be crying at two in the morning<\/p>\n\n
Maybe.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"